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              《逐光之旅》前 言

              2019-6-24 17:13| 編輯: admin| 查看: 832| 評論: 0

              寫在前面的話

              不止一次,我聽到有人談及父親時說出“恨”。我注視著那張臉,成年人陰郁的表面下藏著一個憤怒的小孩兒。我意識到,受傷的不只我一個。

              小時候,父親是我心中的英雄,可在他眼里,我只是個“笨丫頭”,他可以給我無邊無際的愛,卻吝嗇于投下期望。我極力逃離他,跑向相反的方向——我以為能帶給我溫暖和快樂的地方。很多很多年后,我才看清這竟是個陷阱,設下圈套的人正是我自己。直到有一天,父親真的要消失在視野中,鋪天蓋地的恐懼猝不及防地席卷而來。我看清了陷阱,也終于明白,原來我沒有一天停止過對他的愛,沒有一天不在渴望得到他期望的一點點兒可能。

              再次靠近父親,我理解了他武斷否定背后的寵愛和不忍,也看懂了他選擇直面的孤獨和勇氣。愛與勇氣引我踏上必經之路,不為贏得任何人的期望,只為成為我自己。

              我決意寫下這個故事。

              在創作過程中,我始終有這樣一種感覺:文字的底層,影影綽綽地疊映著另一重景象。而有一次,我在書中讀到:“決心成為自己就是一種英雄行為。”這句話讓心中生出晨曦般的頓悟,呈現出一幅“英雄之旅”——人類生命中亙古不變的自我實現主題。我無意成為樂章的譜寫者,筆下人物卻自覺與之應和,唱起一首壯麗的歌。

              會有人想讀這樣一個故事嗎?

              如果我對答案有一點點信心的話,這份“自負”只可能來自于真實的情感,它蘊藏于我們共有的情感深處。我猜想如果我將它呈現在你面前,你也許會認出它。

              真實的東西往往藏在很深的地方。我潛入波濤洶涌的暗黑疆域,彼時尚不知貿然涉足情感底層是件多么危險的事。貪圖下筆暢快,我只想陷得深一點、再深一點。最后,我拿到了想要的,卻一度不愿返程。

              直到最近,我才察覺當初涉險竟然留下了一項出人意料的“后遺癥”:閱讀成稿時,我幾度分辨不清哪些來自過往,哪些來自當下,虛構的故事在情感深處與現實的記憶重疊。聽人說,假事在腦海中是留不住的,或許我是在以另一種方式被告知,什么是假的,什么是真的。

              晨夕寒暑,我與這部小說相伴度過。故事始于腦海中的問號,在提筆前我并不知曉結局。隨著回憶、思考、書寫,它的走向漸漸明晰、凝聚,最后的句號變身成一份珍貴的饋贈,照亮了來時的路。此后我向前走去,不再回頭。“寫作不是人生,但我認為有時候它是一條重回人生的路徑。”我對斯蒂芬·金先生這番話感同身受。

              故事中有一個重要角色:書。無論是在小說中,還是在現實中,它都是父親與我之間連接的紐帶。我對父親最初的崇拜因書而起;逃離他的路上,書卻一直陪伴著我;時過境遷,又是書,帶我重回父親身邊。我從不吝嗇表達對書的喜愛,而這恰是我羞于對父親坦承的。視線留駐篇篇書頁時,就仿佛在細細端詳父親的臉。寫下這個故事,令我得以說出心中的喜悅——與書相遇相伴的喜悅,并將這份喜悅傳播出去。

              每次看到“寫書的書”,我總感到很親切,若是題獻給家人的,哪怕是“謹以”開頭的寥寥數字,也令我心有戚戚,未及翻閱,便認定他或她與我有著同樣的故事。我希望,這份默契,或者說是魔力,同樣蘊藏在這本書中。

              打開這本書,或許會讓你想起和父親有關的往事,快樂的,難過的。說不定你今晚會去看看他,抱抱他,鼓起勇氣坐到他身邊。這時候,你愿意看看那張臉,它已經改變了太多,太多。你有些心疼,或許還會心痛。請抓住這痛,它是重獲愛的契機。

              謝謝你打開這本書,愿你心中有歌,一往無前。也愿有人喚你,尊重并呵護你的選擇,永不止歇。

              劉穎

              2019年春


              上一篇:《苔》前 言
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